On Teaching Social Appropriateness...

Can I say the thing I dislike most about Aspergers Syndrome? (And please, do not misinterpret this to mean I have anything against people with Aspergers, because that's simply not the case...)

Social Appropriateness

We take it for granted - that ability to know how to react appropriately to a given situation. I would give up everything I own for my son to be able to understand social situations and how to react appropriately to them without (a) crying (b) screaming (c) self-depricating (d) withdrawing.

Example 1: A person you're friends with walks up to you and punches you in the arm. They have a grin on their face and they say "Hey asshole, how's it hanging?" Do you know their intention? And do you know how to respond appropriately? If you're socially skilled, you know that as a friend, this is a friendly greeting - if a bit obnoxious.

For someone with Aspergers, that's not clearly defined. They might think their friend is angry with them; they might think he's picking a fight; they might feel threatened. Their reaction might be anything from bursting into tears to physically attacking the friend to running screaming in the opposite direction.

Example 2: Your friend says something hurtful. They don't even realize that they've done it. How do you react? Do you confront them? Do you let it go? Obviously, it depends on the friend and what's been said and their intention.

For someone with Aspergers, this could be the end of a friendship. Because the world is so often black and white for them, a friend being hurtful means they're not a friend anymore. Their level of hurt over what they perceive to be an act of deliberate cruelty (but which may have been a clueless comment like "don't be stupid") is often dealt with by withdrawal from the friendship. They don't understand that everyone says stupid/mean/thoughtless things sometimes.

Example 3: You order a computer online. When the computer arrives, its not in working order. How do you  handle it? For most of us, we would pack it back up, contact the company and arrange to return it/get a refund. We'd be disappointed and maybe frustrated, but we would accept that sometimes these things happen.

For a person with Aspergers, they get locked on the fact that the computer doesn't work. They often take it personally - as if someone out there meant to send them a product that didn't work. They might decide to take the computer apart to try and fix it; they might throw it out or further damage it; they most likely will be extremely frustrated and react in an entirely inappropriate way by screaming at the people around them or sending an email to the company that would be considered threatening.

For my kiddo, emotions are all exaggerated. It's the only way he can seem to express himself in a way that makes sense to him. When he is frustrated even the tiniest bit, his reaction is extreme. Like EXTREME extreme. While this might be tolerable with a 4 year old, it is frightening with a 17 yr. old who weighs 190 lbs.

I've been working on teaching him social appropriateness since he was 4 yrs. old. It's the one thing he struggles to get a handle on. Because proper social responses change as you mature and they depend on whether you're talking to peers, relatives, authority figures, infants, animals, people you know, people you don't know, etc.

The reality is once you hit a certain age, as a boy, you're not supposed to cry. And you're not supposed to yell or get really angry (because you'll get yourself shot by police). And you're not supposed to laugh hysterically out loud at a mildly funny joke. And so on and blah blah blah. Social rules suck.

Teaching someone not to overreact is a challenging thing at best, but its something my son needs to learn. I've read the accounts of adults with Aspergers being in confrontations with police. I don't want that for my son. Certainly not because he ordered a hamburger plain and it came with pickles and mustard. There's an appropriate level of anger, frustration, excitement, happiness, sadness and every other emotion you can think of .... and an inappropriate level. Teaching it is so hard.