Last night was dinner with the in-laws...not just dinner, mind you - it was my father-in-law's birthday and not only was immediate family there, but all of his nieces and nephews. I don't consider myself an uneducated person, nor do I think I'm some complete loser, but my husband's family never fails to make me feel like a gauche farm girl from the sticks.
Worse, they do it very carefully, so that he never sees the claws.
The problem is I am sort of a gauche farm girl from the sticks. I grew up in rural Vermont, where going out to dinner meant dressing up in your jeans that didn't have holes in the knees to eat at the local diner or HoJos. We don't stand on ceremony where I'm from. That doesn't mean I'm a redneck, though. I have a bachelor's degree in communications, specializing in journalism. I've traveled. I follow fashion trends. I'm probably more up-to-date on market trends and politics than any of them. I have a curious mind - if something catches my attention, I learn everything I can about it.
Anyway....
Every time there's one of these family events, I start to stress. I go shopping for the perfect outfit - which usually results in me spending several hundred dollars for something that I'm pleased with. Last night was no exception. I bought a nice brown pencil skirt and black top at Express, a pair of cream tights at Kohls and a pair of brown leather ankle boots off Amazon (originally $200, on sale for $31!!!!). I don't want to give them anything to pick at (because they do). The stories I could tell. I looked nice.
In addition, I colored my normally pale blond hair a dark dark golden brown. It's beautiful. To be honest, I have a self-destructive streak that used to manifest itself in anorexia, as well as heavy partying and other bad behaviors. Now when I feel the need to do something radical, it results in a hair cut. This time, it resulted in my new hair color as well. I love it.
Soooo....
To give you an idea of what the in-laws are like...hmmm... they're all petite and perfectly put together. They like to shop at stores where a shirt costs $300 and spend $800 on a pair of shoes. They get their hair done every week professionally. They get facials and manicures and waxes. And they wear expensive perfumes that smell like shit - buckets of it. They're all older than me by at least 10 years and they're very...well...they're phonies. I've been with my husband for 25 years, and I don't think I've seen an honest emotion out of any of them in all that time.
So, we arrive and we do the air kiss thing. No one mentions my hair. No one complements my outfit. Even though I do that for all of them and they act like I'm expected to tell them how wonderful they are. Eventually my mother-in-law wanders over to where I'm sitting with my son. She's a 'touchy' woman - and by that I mean she likes to grab you and sink her claws (I mean nails) into you as hard as she can. Usually she grabs my arm. She always leaves bruises. Last night, she wrapped her hands around my neck right at my shoulders. Ow.
I can't stand it anymore. She's going on and on about my son's haircut. I say, geez, nobody even noticed my hair color change (it is dramatic). She looks down at me, sinks her claws in harder and says, "Of course I noticed. But I didn't want to say anything because I didn't think you could have done it on purpose." Yeah. There it is. (And of course, hubs doesn't hear - or maybe he ignores.)
I'm used to this kind of treatment so I laugh and say of course it's intentional. She insults my new color a few more times, all carefully worded, all the time squeezing my neck and then wanders away. I can still feel her claws.
At the end of the night, I'm standing with my sister-in-law and her best friend (who was there for some reason). They're admiring each other's shoes. I'm very proud of my new shoes so I ask if they like them. Sis-in-law looks down, kind of smiles and says that they're very "nice". Her friend says nothing. Then she asks where I got them. I should have lied. I know that. I should have said Bloomingdales or Neiman Marcus (they do sell them for $200-$300), but no, I say I got them off Amazon for a steal. My sister-in-law gasps and then proceeds to tell me how "brave" I am for doing that. She would NEVER under any circumstances buy ANYTHING from Amazon other than books. (Not that I think she even buys books.) Her friend agrees, a horrified look on her face. And then they laugh and walk away.
My husband doesn't understand why I HATE going out to dinner with his family. He doesn't get why I have to take an Ativan and drink to get through it. *sigh*
Welcome to my life.
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